Small Things

Amazing these tears are, aren't they? They have a function in our body, a physiological function, sometimes I wish its function stopped right there.. its getting involved in our emotions is sometimes unacceptable.. And then there are people who can't cry, the world calls them strong. And there are who can when need be, I call them strong. And then there are people like me who produce excessive amount of tears with any kind of intense emotion, and shed them shamelessly in public. What they are called? An old neighbor of mine doesnt know my name, ever since he has known me, he has called me Runchi. (cry baby) -and I testify, still the name holds true. I think of myself strong, because to cry is also an ability, for me its an ability to clear my head of scarring memories and my heart of pain. No matter what the world says, I say crying is my strength. ( Hell! It was my strength, I could bully the bully when I was in kindergarten/class pp, because he was scared to bully me as I

There are a lot of things we don't like to think about, things that bother us a lot but we cannot do anything to change it. I know people will say, there's nothing that can't be changed, it takes will power, but how long have we been trying to empower women and yet achieved so little. We may now have women in high influential position, but even in that position do they get as much respect and co-operation from colleagues like her counterpart? To which you may argue, respect is earned, but it is obvious that a woman needs to prove herself a lot more comparatively and still does not gain as much support and respect. So now, is it her fault? Or are we still not able to change the stereotypical mentality of people (men and women). It's so saddening to hear politicians and police making gender biased comments against women publicly, and its depressing to know that public doesn't react to it and throw them off power... Which makes me think, is our gender so small and

I remember a moment in high school. It was late in the year, with final exams drawing near. I was in class 12 and it was time to say bye to school and friends and hi to college. But between it lay the exams, the most exciting and dreadful of all exams (for me). * I am a back bencher, and you know what kind of students stay in the back benches, normally those who are least interested in studies. But I always found in them good companionship, exciting stories and never a book worm.  With them you got to see a different side of life, a life where you were not worried sick about class tests and exams and anything relevant to the books. I was one of the class toppers, but I envied those people, not because they didn't worry about exams and tests like I did, but because their life wasn't dependent on those pieces of paper like mine was.  Independent of what their result would be like in 12’s final, they would still be able to make a life for themselves, sustain themselves, do

so after wasting much time, here i forsake my laziness to write a bit. i was thinking that the whole world had become a "size zero" freak,but watching people all around me, i think that moreand more people are adapting to GNH. i actually look and feel slim among this sea of people. I am waiting in chennai international airport, and i have got some 15mins until boarding time, i have probably been here over 1 and a half hours, but that's nothing compared to a solid 7hrs wait in kolkata. i was so sleepy that i kept falling asleep as soon as i closed my eyes. actually i still feel that way. i was bloody scared to leave my luggage to even go to the loo. i didnt eat or go to the rest room even though i was bloody hungry, thirsty and my bladder full all the while i was in kolkata airport. travelling alone is aweful. And this excess baggage is sth you should never carry, i paid 1470/- in INR for 7kgs worth of extra weight. A few tear drops tried to escape as i calculated the

I have always aspired to be Einstein some day. And for the major part of the life that I have lived, I have thought it possible. As we grow up, the harsh realities have to be borne, and it’s difficult having your fantasy broken. I have come to know this for a long time now, but I have hated to admit it. And maybe it has become the cause of my misery. Expecting too much where expectations can’t be met, disappointment overwhelming, questioning oneself on unjustified grounds, I had to at some point bow down to fantasy and greet reality. The reality being this: “I am no Einstein, nor can I be him in this life. I am not a genius, am just a regular person. Maybe I don’t have the potential to be someone great, maybe I am simply meant to be a nobody. I am a nobody today and so I will be tomorrow until death.” But that doesn’t necessarily make me a loser, right? I have on several occasions asked god why has he made me the way I am, without talents and lazy and clumsy. The more I com

Dedicated to my mom. I miss you Mom… If I could play the guitar, I would string up a song, About the pain this broken heart is feeling, And I would make you sing along… Mamma I miss you, I miss those hugs you gave when I was blue. Mamma I miss you, I miss your smile that made me forget everything due. Mamma I miss you, I miss you, Every day, every single day. Waking up in the morning for your bed tea, Falling back to bed again, Being woken up by your voice chanting prayers, And even in my sleep I could say them with you. Who I am, Mamma I owe it you. Mamma I miss you, Every day, every single day. White suit, and your hair tied in a bun, You put your black coat on top, And you are on a run. I watch you go from the window And wait for you to come back home, Lunch is ready, but dinner’s yours, We make the perfect duo. I can laugh with you, I can cry with you, Like I can with my bestfriend. I have never hesitated in sharing anythin

Thinking well, I guess I never looked for beauty in my man. The only physical attribute that matters is his height. (I am vain that way). I have always looked up to a guy who didn't sit and whine, but grabbed at his life. Who didn't hesitate to do something about things that were wrong, who took charge, took control, who didn't let the obstacles in life put him down. And at the same time, who was sensitive and caring and wasn't ashamed of his mild nature. And yet who had pride and an anger to behold it. One who didn't hesitate to get on his knees when need be, but didn't do so all the time, who could be argued with, reasoned with and yet be called stubborn.  Just like Dad. But Mom's lucky....Dad's good looking too. ;-) The important thing is not for him to love me like crazy (or something like that) but to understand me, accept me for who I am and never want to change me.  That is my man.  Have I found him???

A dose of truth is like a bath in cold water. It leaves you shivering but with time, u feel warm and better. Suddenly I realize, I am in a bus among foreigners in a foreign country, knowing not what I am doing here. It's sudden, like the past almost 2 years had been an illusion. As if I was pretending to be at home when I never felt so. Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I am back home. And I hear my neighbors chatting away in nepali. Somewhere I hear my mom's voice make a comment and I hear the children shout. Then slowly the language becomes alien, and I know I am not home. I am some place else. You smile, you laugh, you cry...everyone is judging you, and you don't have the words to explain. It becomes suffocating at times, like you are an animal in a zoo, everyone is waiting for you to make a wrong move. I say I love it here, I was lying all along. I am surviving, I am fighting. I am closing my eyes and pretending to be at home.

I have ceased to understand life, I have ceased to understand me, am standing on the fence, I will fall down eventually. Power of ignorance is enchanting, but short is the life of lie. Truth, ever present is eternity, and truth is the most difficult thing to live by. I seek for answers and fear them still.... My questions are vague for my own sake... Am a toddler, I am crawling, someday I will find my gait...

Why are we all always making compromises, always thinking of consequences, always scared of losing what we have?  Why are we cowards? Why cant we appreciate some one who tried something new, something wild, who could make one heap of all their winnings and risk it in one turn of pitch and toss….who showed the courage to bear the consequences, lose, and start at their beginnings and not breathe a word about their loss. Why cant we be go getters…why cant we live our life….why do we just sit here and watch our lives pass by? We all know we are selfish…why are we so scared of letting that fact out? Why are we trapped within ourselves? My hated line ever, “I like walking in the rain because then no one can see me crying.” Why cant we be just who we are…not pretend…not act…why cant we be weak and be strong…why do we always have to tell lies?  I do know that not all why’s have an answer…but still…its worth a thought!        

If I make a decision, will u respect it? If I say I wanna take control, will you accept it?  And despite your disapprovals, if I go ahead and do as I want to, will you be proud of what I have accomplished? Because today I realized, pride doesnt lie in being obedient, but in being rebellious, taking the risk, and standing up for just what u believe in.

There is one thing about me that I really disapprove of and have spent ages trying to change. I am one of the world’s biggest blabber mouth, an expert in saying all the wrong things at the right moment and right things at the wrong, a boring, without wit or humour conversationalist who bores her audience to death. But that is not the worst part; I give away half the history of my life and lineage in a mere half an hour. Bear another 30 minutes and you will know the full story. I have an opinion for everything. That would have been fine if it didn’t combine with the capability of my mouth. However, having a blank canvas is sometimes important (putting a curtain over the portrait might help too). I do not hesitate to give out my opinion. I do not hesitate to speak my mind. I am the fighter for the freedom of speech, which is not a bad thing actually. But sometimes a fool like me can suffer and inflict great damage with this freedom. I have my friends to learn from. And I of

You know how it’s amazing when we have tsunami in our life, emotional upheaval, we wish we would die, we sometimes find a way to die. But when there’s the real tsunami coming, we all want to save ourselves; suddenly we all want to live. That’s what I have been thinking since yesterday afternoon, since the tsunami alert. Being put out there for real, and suddenly, one would assume I got to see the bigger picture of life, attain a greater perspective but all I am right now is glad that I have stronger nerves.  (may be that was because nothing happened for real, god knows if I would or would not be screaming on the top of lungs if the tsunami really did hit). The whole purpose of writing this is I was wondering if the high tides of the ocean do more damage or the high tides of emotions….

It’s been a while again since I had anything to blog about. My blog was suppose to be about small things of life and how they matter, I guess I am going astray to what I had in mind. Well, it’s time to get back on track. So here is a must read article, (hopefully its goanna be as good as I am planning to make it). I felt like it was time to wrap up some things about my two years of MBBS, as I will be completing my preclinical in a about two and a half months.  There’s so much to write about, so much to share, but today I chose to talk about my exam experience here. I recently appeared one, my repeat paper from my first semester, and it was a disaster, and that just reminded me how every other examination has been one too. First semester examination…the best memories ever.  Now, how should I start? My first semester was spent by sleeping in the lecture hall. My friends have a huge collection of pictures of me in sleeping mode.  So, obviously when the exam approached I was

So am back, am back to being ready for death. Knowing that I am good for nothing, I, again, have officially nothing to hold me back when it's time to leave. There is no temptation in tomorrow, no remorse in yesterday. The present could never get better, and though this life has been wasted on me, I have lived to my fullest everyday. I have no aim, no ambition, my life is mere existence, and thus this existence bears no greed for lengthening its time span. No, am not talking about ending my life on my own, am not depressed...(and anyways killing oneself needs a lot of courage, and I can't even prick my own finger :p ), am just glad that I have once more lost my greed for tomorrow, that if death comes knocking the next moment, I can smilingly take its hands. Death can't hurt me, death will heal me. I have never thought of death as "the dreaded end", it has always been to me an awaited finish, like the the end to an examination. But lately desires were crowding m

I always believed that I am good at empathizing with other people. Lesson 3: EMPATHY is just a word.

Lesson 2: Friends are the most important part of your life. But rely not on them to be your strength only, they can easily be your weakness too. ........wait for more...

We are born alone, we die alone, but we seek for a partner to live. Irrespective of if you have or don't have someone, at the end of the day, every man is for himself. That's my first lesson in Lanka. (to be continued) ......

love, life... where it gets intermingled, entangled, we never seem to know or understand. though everyone passes through the same thing, 6 billion people, yet each experience is unique. it's amazing, this ordinary life. what's more interesting is the seemingly ordinary love stories in them, that's worth more popcorn than even Romeo-Juliet's romance.

All men lie. There is no exception to this truth. I guess its one of those qualities they are born with to acquire a mate in life. So, in a way they can't be blamed for lying I suppose. But one has to be aware ALL MEN LIE, or it can be a heart breaking experience.

hello, i am a medical student. i go to college because i have nothing to do at home. i run back home, not to review my lessons, but to watch  stupid series in a language i don't understand. ask me any question medically related, i don't know a single answer. and people expect me be a doctor, all i wanna say to them is "are you freaking kidding me?!!!"

so far away from home so much closer to reality. falling asleep with lights switched on, wakiing up when the sun is high up in the sky, breakfast, lunch or dinner, nothing has meaning, mornings' are your nights, breakfast at lunch time, and night is time for movies. lectures are nap time, SGDs bunk time and pratical classes for gossip. time never more optimally used, never so badly wasted. and exam approaches you pull a an all nighter, covering 3months worth of lectures in a go, and when you face the paper you know that you dont know, then its time for reflection, begging god for a 'C' and you think "hell! wasn't i a topper back then". Ego flushed in the toilet like after constipation, when the notice board is adorned with declaration, when you've a C- pasted on your forhead, and C was the best you could get, when you think, and you know, you didn't deserve any better anyhow, and that

while walking home today, i was looking at the clouds and a thought struck, not a new one but something that nags me all the time. i don't know how exactly to put this thought in words. have you ever thought about if you didn't exist? would the world be any different? walking on this road called life did you leave any footprints behind? we tend to think ourself important, but are we? i know one thing for sure, if it wasn't me, it could have been someone else. i am nothing special. what have i? what have i achieved? what can i call rightfully mine? what have i made of this existence? the answer, NOTHING. but what nags me is not the fact that i have done nothing with my life, but this ego that i carry inside. i wonder sometimes why? what right have i to hold my head high, to speak among others like an equal, when i know how small i am inside. i found my answer in a empty tin can lying on the ground. i am like the empty tin can, nothing inside. but if i leave it vacu

Frustrated with this stagnant life. Need to flow, flow down the valley, And take my dreams along. Need to grow, learn more, Need to move ahead in life. Frustrated with inaction, indecisiveness; Frustrated with this uncertainity. Need to move ahead And not stop... Never stop...

I found the light I was looking for, I found the answers to my woes, The fear has been trampled on, Victorious I stand on them.

From being pretty to pretty fat, From being best to second, and then last, Being told over and over again "you aren't good in this, you aren't good in that", Knowing that all your achievements are your luck, Never being able to shed a drop of sweat by working hard, Facing rejection, doing reflection, Thinking so deep, yet never gaining the depth, From leader to a follower, That's the story of my life. Failure, failure, Utter failure, That's who I am, that's who I have become, That's where I am trapped. Even though I know I can only be good, And never the best, I need to keep pushing, Just for myself. Even though I know I am stupid, And those who matter have lost their trust in me, I need to keep believing, Just for myself. It's time I stopped questioning, It's time I answered for me, It's time to stand tall, And respect all I am and all I can be, I just need to have a little faith in me, Just for myself....

I am back, back…and the sun is already setting in my eyes. I am trying again, again…to find that spirit lost in vain. I am smiling, smiling…to keep the tears away, I am lying, lying… to hide my pain. I am listening to songs, trying to find words that describe this ache. Its agonizing, not being understood, not being able to make others understand.  It’s awful, the feeling of being trapped in your own disabilities. I m lost, I m lost…that’s what my inner voice says. I need a path to take me to light, where destiny awaits. What is destiny, what is future, what is present and what is past? Clock ticks by, one merges into other, and nothing makes sense. And I am still lost, as the future descends. Fear holds me like prison, pulls me in like quick sand. I am scared of talking much…I don’t want to tell you what I think; I don’t want you to laugh at me. I am trying so hard to seek meaning of my existence, trying hard to blend in and win. Why do I always find myself

I have learned too well to fear you oh world, always worried about what you are goanna say next. always unwilling to follow you but never finding the courage to let go of your hand, fearing what am goanna say to myself when judgement day arrives. I do feel like saying, "this is my life and what I want counts" but again I think, "my life ain't just mine, I owe it to some people in this world, some very special people, and any decision I make I will always need to consider them. And considering them, I always end up considering your norms... Your norms feels like bars of a prison, sometimes it makes me feel secure, sometimes i feel suffocated inside. i don't have the courage to break your rules, get rid of those bars, because I know I am nothing extra-ordinary, and am not one of those who came on earth to make a significant difference, am just a drop in the ocean. So I have no courage to break free, always scared, trying to please through and through. I hate yo

"Love me like I love you, only then will you know what fool love can make you." I had someone in my mind when I thought of this line, but when I laid back on my bed after updating it as my Facebook status, I suddenly felt like my mom was saying to me that very line..."love me like I love you, only then will you know what fool love can make you." ...How many times has she sacrificed her sleep to put us to bed, how many times has she sacrificed her needs to fulfill our desires, how many times has she given up on her share, just so that we have more than we care... She has sacrificed her health nursing us, sacrificed her beauty grooming us...  And then dad's voice echoed to me from the darkness of my room, "love me like i love you, only then will you know what fool love can make you". From the time he became a dad, he has only struggled just so that his children can have a better life than him, just so that they always have what they want and even