Small Things

Buddha had said, "You are what you THINK" And my thoughts are "Once a loser, always a loser!" So, the last 5 years, I have been on a failure streak. One exam after another. I strut around like nothing happened. I try my best to ooze the confidence that I do not feel. That has been my life's motto anyway: "Fake it, till you make it". (Damn its been one hell of a long time of faking it). But I am not okay with it. The emotional toll each failure has taken on me, I have recently begun to realize how much my thinking has changed over these last few years. Especially these last few weeks: every time someone says something nice, I am like, "man, they must pity me", "they are trying to be nice to cheer me up"; every time I meet someone, "This person must think I am so useless"; every time I go talk to my bosses or even when I am talking to my patients, I am constantly thinking "may be its best if I quit. I am so inc

 As a child, we were often asked about our ambitions, what we wanted to be in “the future”. I wanted to be a doctor. I remember saying that when I was, perhaps 7 years old. I remember I wanted to be a paediatrician by age 9, perhaps after my first encounter with one. By age 12, I wanted to be a scientist, a neuro-scientist. Also, I wanted to create a biological weapon, that would harm only humans, and wipe out the entire population, because I thought humans were the worst. My friends used to find that absurd, to say the least.  I believed I could achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. Age 17, I started my journey to become a doctor. Not so sure of myself anymore, I barely made the scholarship. The past 4 years, from ages 13-16, had put a lot of doubts into my mind. I was no more omnipotent. A normal trajectory of life. The 6 years of undergrad had me questioning so many things. The idea of creating a biological weapon left far behind. I could barely cope up with my studies, even les