As a child, we were often asked about our ambitions, what we wanted to be in “the future”. I wanted to be a doctor. I remember saying that when I was, perhaps 7 years old. I remember I wanted to be a paediatrician by age 9, perhaps after my first encounter with one. By age 12, I wanted to be a scientist, a neuro-scientist. Also, I wanted to create a biological weapon, that would harm only humans, and wipe out the entire population, because I thought humans were the worst. My friends used to find that absurd, to say the least. I believed I could achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. Age 17, I started my journey to become a doctor. Not so sure of myself anymore, I barely made the scholarship. The past 4 years, from ages 13-16, had put a lot of doubts into my mind. I was no more omnipotent. A normal trajectory of life. The 6 years of undergrad had me questioning so many things. The idea of creating a biological weapon left far behind. I could barely cope up with my studies, even les
I always wondered how my love story would begin. I knew I would have one. Having a family history of love marriages, I knew I would end up in one too, and to have a love marriage one needs a love story, right! So this wondering began early (the initial thought maximally contributed by movies and partly by novels). I was definitely not that “pretty, sweet girl down the street” that every guy fell for. I was known as Hitler and Dorji Dorlo, depicting how scary I was (I think). The first time I think I fell in love and got flat rejected (so much so that the guy wouldn’t even look at me) I realized I was ugly too. Dad said that he fell in love with mom the first time he saw her… well that was out for me. High school came to an end without even a single guy looking my direction romantically. Oh! Wait I had one person who approached, and it was epic (as in hilarious). (And I am saying that because it was way too obvious that he held no feelings for me, he was only asking me because hi
Looking through this huge number of photos I had my mum take of me today, after giving her 100's of instructions. All that effort and I still don't look so good!
This kind of got me thinking...
The problem is not with the photograph as much as it is with how I view myself. I am not satisfied with who I am, physically, emotionally and intellectually. And I think that emotion becomes most manifest when I see myself in a photograph, and so I feel like I never take a single good photo.
Do I hate myself? No. I love me, I take care of myself and I will not let anyone walk all over me.
But do I like me? No, definitely not. And so why would anyone else like me?!
In all my social interactions my first and foremost thought is "they don't like me" and I always feel rejected or stay in a fear of anticipated rejection. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to be on your guard at all times.
The older I have gotten, the more significant the fear has become, proba
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