Posts

Failures: are they really pillars of success?

Buddha had said, "You are what you THINK" And my thoughts are "Once a loser, always a loser!" So, the last 5 years, I have been on a failure streak. One exam after another. I strut around like nothing happened. I try my best to ooze the confidence that I do not feel. That has been my life's motto anyway: "Fake it, till you make it". (Damn its been one hell of a long time of faking it). But I am not okay with it. The emotional toll each failure has taken on me, I have recently begun to realize how much my thinking has changed over these last few years. Especially these last few weeks: every time someone says something nice, I am like, "man, they must pity me", "they are trying to be nice to cheer me up"; every time I meet someone, "This person must think I am so useless"; every time I go talk to my bosses or even when I am talking to my patients, I am constantly thinking "may be its best if I quit. I am so inc

The Disappearing Future

 As a child, we were often asked about our ambitions, what we wanted to be in “the future”. I wanted to be a doctor. I remember saying that when I was, perhaps 7 years old. I remember I wanted to be a paediatrician by age 9, perhaps after my first encounter with one. By age 12, I wanted to be a scientist, a neuro-scientist. Also, I wanted to create a biological weapon, that would harm only humans, and wipe out the entire population, because I thought humans were the worst. My friends used to find that absurd, to say the least.  I believed I could achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. Age 17, I started my journey to become a doctor. Not so sure of myself anymore, I barely made the scholarship. The past 4 years, from ages 13-16, had put a lot of doubts into my mind. I was no more omnipotent. A normal trajectory of life. The 6 years of undergrad had me questioning so many things. The idea of creating a biological weapon left far behind. I could barely cope up with my studies, even les

Photograph

Looking through this huge number of photos I had my mum take of me today, after giving her 100's of instructions. All that effort and I still don't look so good! This kind of got me thinking... The problem is not with the photograph as much as it is with how I view myself. I am not satisfied with who I am, physically, emotionally and intellectually. And I think that emotion becomes most manifest when I see myself in a photograph, and so I feel like I never take a single good photo. Do I hate myself? No. I love me, I take care of myself and I will not let anyone walk all over me. But do I like me? No, definitely not. And so why would anyone else like me?! In all my social interactions my first and foremost thought is "they don't like me" and I always feel rejected or stay in a fear of anticipated rejection. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to be on your guard at all times. The older I have gotten, the more significant the fear has become, proba

Not JUST Anxiety

It is not just anxiety. It is a constant, inescapable fear that I am doing it all wrong, I am messing it up, I am gonna fail, everyone is judging me and laughing at me and that no matter what I do, I am bound to be doomed. It wakes up with me, stays with me through the day, even when am just hanging out with my friends and supposedly having a good time. It's with me when I am with my family, when I am watching a good movie or trying to do anything, anything at all. It fills my mind with a constant nagging fear. It consumes me whole. I can't focus on anything infront of me. Every other emotion is blunted in comparison. My memory fails me. I keep forgetting my things, tasks assigned, what I have read, and often to the extent that I can't remember what I just said or did. After being with me all day long, it comes to bed with me. Racing heart, and neverending thoughts makes it very difficult to fall asleep, but when I finally do, my dreams are terrible. I am either

Letter to Self

Dear self, I have been cheering you all your life. And I know how you can often feel like you have hit a dead end, but you are here. You did this.  I know you never feel like any of your achievement is your own. It's true, in so many ways you were born with a silver spoon but you have to give yourself some credit. Even if it is for just hanging in there.  And even if none of it is your achievement, what have you got to lose? Nothing. So you can't give up. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  You have to rise higher than your weakness, higher  than your insecurities.  You may not succeed. You may fail again and again. But that has been your whole life, so what is there to lose?  Whats the worse than can happen to you? Humiliation? Does it matter? In the big picture if things, what role does dignity play? And what does dignity entail? And what is your status or your dignity that humiliation can affect you?  You can't give up! You have nothing to lose! Nothing to

"It's in your head, get over it!"

"It's in your head, get over it!" Is a frequent statement made by people, who are probably more sorted out in their life. But how does it being in my head not make it real?  I mean, hallucinations are real to the people experiencing them. You can not treat hallucinations by saying "It's in your head, get over it". If one could, I would have to choose a different field of study.  It's real. It's freaking real, here in my head. And it influences the emotions I feel, the decisions I make and the actions I take. It also influences my reactions: fight, flight or freeze. And you can't change me by saying "Get over it".  Have you ever thought that I would if I could. Everyone is different. We are born different. And that makes each individual's life experience different. You cannot compare any two human being, any two life. "He can do it, why can't you?!" STOP doing that.  Parents stop comparing your children. Teachers stop c

Breakdown

I am struggling to keep my thoughts together, keep it sane Struggling to keep my calm and have some grace Struggling to hold back my tears that are flooding the gates Why? I do not know; answers I have none   All around me I only see the mistakes I have done I feel the glare of disapproval I hear my own thoughts echo the humiliation Why? I do not know; answers I have none   I am struggling to keep up pace, step to step Struggling to hold my place, be strong and firm Struggling with thoughts that say, “not good enough” Sigh…deep breath* Please help me god!   “Focus on the positive” I can’t do All I see is failure, I see no good Don’t want to think myself as weak, yet here I am Sigh…deep breath* Can’t this battle be won?   I look at me and what do I see?! What do I have not that one would need?! What is this overwhelming anxiety?! I do not know. Answers I have none   But a hundred thousand questions That judges me and my capabilities Questions my existence and necessity Sigh…deep breath*