Small Things

Looking through this huge number of photos I had my mum take of me today, after giving her 100's of instructions. All that effort and I still don't look so good! This kind of got me thinking... The problem is not with the photograph as much as it is with how I view myself. I am not satisfied with who I am, physically, emotionally and intellectually. And I think that emotion becomes most manifest when I see myself in a photograph, and so I feel like I never take a single good photo. Do I hate myself? No. I love me, I take care of myself and I will not let anyone walk all over me. But do I like me? No, definitely not. And so why would anyone else like me?! In all my social interactions my first and foremost thought is "they don't like me" and I always feel rejected or stay in a fear of anticipated rejection. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to be on your guard at all times. The older I have gotten, the more significant the fear has become, proba

It is not just anxiety. It is a constant, inescapable fear that I am doing it all wrong, I am messing it up, I am gonna fail, everyone is judging me and laughing at me and that no matter what I do, I am bound to be doomed. It wakes up with me, stays with me through the day, even when am just hanging out with my friends and supposedly having a good time. It's with me when I am with my family, when I am watching a good movie or trying to do anything, anything at all. It fills my mind with a constant nagging fear. It consumes me whole. I can't focus on anything infront of me. Every other emotion is blunted in comparison. My memory fails me. I keep forgetting my things, tasks assigned, what I have read, and often to the extent that I can't remember what I just said or did. After being with me all day long, it comes to bed with me. Racing heart, and neverending thoughts makes it very difficult to fall asleep, but when I finally do, my dreams are terrible. I am either

Dear self, I have been cheering you all your life. And I know how you can often feel like you have hit a dead end, but you are here. You did this.  I know you never feel like any of your achievement is your own. It's true, in so many ways you were born with a silver spoon but you have to give yourself some credit. Even if it is for just hanging in there.  And even if none of it is your achievement, what have you got to lose? Nothing. So you can't give up. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  You have to rise higher than your weakness, higher  than your insecurities.  You may not succeed. You may fail again and again. But that has been your whole life, so what is there to lose?  Whats the worse than can happen to you? Humiliation? Does it matter? In the big picture if things, what role does dignity play? And what does dignity entail? And what is your status or your dignity that humiliation can affect you?  You can't give up! You have nothing to lose! Nothing to