Small Things

A dose of truth is like a bath in cold water. It leaves you shivering but with time, u feel warm and better. Suddenly I realize, I am in a bus among foreigners in a foreign country, knowing not what I am doing here. It's sudden, like the past almost 2 years had been an illusion. As if I was pretending to be at home when I never felt so. Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I am back home. And I hear my neighbors chatting away in nepali. Somewhere I hear my mom's voice make a comment and I hear the children shout. Then slowly the language becomes alien, and I know I am not home. I am some place else. You smile, you laugh, you cry...everyone is judging you, and you don't have the words to explain. It becomes suffocating at times, like you are an animal in a zoo, everyone is waiting for you to make a wrong move. I say I love it here, I was lying all along. I am surviving, I am fighting. I am closing my eyes and pretending to be at home.

I have ceased to understand life, I have ceased to understand me, am standing on the fence, I will fall down eventually. Power of ignorance is enchanting, but short is the life of lie. Truth, ever present is eternity, and truth is the most difficult thing to live by. I seek for answers and fear them still.... My questions are vague for my own sake... Am a toddler, I am crawling, someday I will find my gait...

Why are we all always making compromises, always thinking of consequences, always scared of losing what we have?  Why are we cowards? Why cant we appreciate some one who tried something new, something wild, who could make one heap of all their winnings and risk it in one turn of pitch and toss….who showed the courage to bear the consequences, lose, and start at their beginnings and not breathe a word about their loss. Why cant we be go getters…why cant we live our life….why do we just sit here and watch our lives pass by? We all know we are selfish…why are we so scared of letting that fact out? Why are we trapped within ourselves? My hated line ever, “I like walking in the rain because then no one can see me crying.” Why cant we be just who we are…not pretend…not act…why cant we be weak and be strong…why do we always have to tell lies?  I do know that not all why’s have an answer…but still…its worth a thought!        

If I make a decision, will u respect it? If I say I wanna take control, will you accept it?  And despite your disapprovals, if I go ahead and do as I want to, will you be proud of what I have accomplished? Because today I realized, pride doesnt lie in being obedient, but in being rebellious, taking the risk, and standing up for just what u believe in.

There is one thing about me that I really disapprove of and have spent ages trying to change. I am one of the world’s biggest blabber mouth, an expert in saying all the wrong things at the right moment and right things at the wrong, a boring, without wit or humour conversationalist who bores her audience to death. But that is not the worst part; I give away half the history of my life and lineage in a mere half an hour. Bear another 30 minutes and you will know the full story. I have an opinion for everything. That would have been fine if it didn’t combine with the capability of my mouth. However, having a blank canvas is sometimes important (putting a curtain over the portrait might help too). I do not hesitate to give out my opinion. I do not hesitate to speak my mind. I am the fighter for the freedom of speech, which is not a bad thing actually. But sometimes a fool like me can suffer and inflict great damage with this freedom. I have my friends to learn from. And I of

You know how it’s amazing when we have tsunami in our life, emotional upheaval, we wish we would die, we sometimes find a way to die. But when there’s the real tsunami coming, we all want to save ourselves; suddenly we all want to live. That’s what I have been thinking since yesterday afternoon, since the tsunami alert. Being put out there for real, and suddenly, one would assume I got to see the bigger picture of life, attain a greater perspective but all I am right now is glad that I have stronger nerves.  (may be that was because nothing happened for real, god knows if I would or would not be screaming on the top of lungs if the tsunami really did hit). The whole purpose of writing this is I was wondering if the high tides of the ocean do more damage or the high tides of emotions….

It’s been a while again since I had anything to blog about. My blog was suppose to be about small things of life and how they matter, I guess I am going astray to what I had in mind. Well, it’s time to get back on track. So here is a must read article, (hopefully its goanna be as good as I am planning to make it). I felt like it was time to wrap up some things about my two years of MBBS, as I will be completing my preclinical in a about two and a half months.  There’s so much to write about, so much to share, but today I chose to talk about my exam experience here. I recently appeared one, my repeat paper from my first semester, and it was a disaster, and that just reminded me how every other examination has been one too. First semester examination…the best memories ever.  Now, how should I start? My first semester was spent by sleeping in the lecture hall. My friends have a huge collection of pictures of me in sleeping mode.  So, obviously when the exam approached I was