Searching me

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I am back, back…and the sun is already setting in my eyes.
I am trying again, again…to find that spirit lost in vain.
I am smiling, smiling…to keep the tears away,
I am lying, lying… to hide my pain.

I am listening to songs, trying to find words that describe this ache. Its agonizing, not being understood, not being able to make others understand.  It’s awful, the feeling of being trapped in your own disabilities.

I m lost, I m lost…that’s what my inner voice says. I need a path to take me to light, where destiny awaits.

What is destiny, what is future, what is present and what is past? Clock ticks by, one merges into other, and nothing makes sense. And I am still lost, as the future descends.

Fear holds me like prison, pulls me in like quick sand. I am scared of talking much…I don’t want to tell you what I think; I don’t want you to laugh at me.

I am trying so hard to seek meaning of my existence, trying hard to blend in and win. Why do I always find myself at loser’s end, taking blame for every one’s pain, asking myself, where is my life heading?

It’s not a quest for happiness, it’s not a question of achievement, and it’s not even about  the so-called destiny. I am trying to find myself within me, to find a reason for this life, to be living.

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