Useless Spontaneity

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I have been thinking a lot about what to write. And that's why I haven't been able add anything much lately. I am a spontaneous writer, I just write whatever comes to my head, without choosing my words carefully or planning my  ideas into paragraphs. my writings are like my conversations, i am not a good conversationalist but i talk a lot, i am not a good writer but I write a lot, without a topic, a theme or any humor (just like my conversations). And that's just me. well at least I got something to define me.

Lately i have been fighting with that thought, Who am I? Now I can't say I don't exist, I do exist, but what have I done with my existence? Right now I feel like going off to some mountain and into a cave and meditating, cutting off all human contact and being in absolute solitude. I want to reflect back, explain to myself my actions, my mistakes and get over my regrets and start anew. I need time for that, and time I have not. Now when i am in this state, i will plan my actions ahead, make certain decisions to follow and move on, but the next time I find myself in a similar state of mind, I would be just where i started. I would have again lived my life to regret. And that doesn't seem to change. I don't seem to change. And again, that's just me.
Somewhere i remember writing, " my failures, insecurities and inferiority define me more than my strengths and success " and I guess I find that statement more accurate than ever. In a way may be that's because, success I have none, strengths I do, but my insecurities are more definitive.

I know how I sound, depressed and in need of help and some cheering up. I accept I am low, but I am not depressed at all. I like being honest to myself. Puts me in a lot of trouble but I like being honest with everyone else as well, at least about myself. I am in fact filled with optimism and enthusiasm, that's why I am still struggling and pushing the useless me to become somebody. Just sometimes I like to sit and take rest for a while, and this is one of those times.
God bless me! Amen.

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