Do i make SENSE?

Again it’s been sometime since I last wrote, and it’s not because I didn’t have anything to write. Enough took place in the last two weeks or so to make a book if I was that capable of expressing myself, but instead I just found myself at loss of words. Today I am not writing about what occurred, just scribbling down some thoughts.

I recently found a photo of me taken in 2006. I look at the picture and see no change. I look exactly the same in my eyes. But everyone else says I looked so different then, it doesn’t even look like me. I wondered how that is, and realized that even if I have taken a 100 times more picture in the last year, my eyes still only recognize the picture of me from years ago. When I close my eyes and think of me, I don’t see this girl looking back at me from my mirror, but that girl on my laptop screen, her with different expression in different situations. Something I had not paid attention to before.

I am her and not me.  This explains a lot actually. Everyone says I don’t look fat,  and I complain so much that some seniors even go ahead to say I have anorexia, but when I look in the mirror I see myself fat, maybe not because I am fat, but because I am her and not me. I have been noticed and have got a little attention but still then that insecurity exists, because she was never noticed and I am her and not me.  Am I making sense?

Another thought.

Just this morning, cleaning up my room, I remembered a conversation I had had back when I was in class 12 with a classmate of mine. I think it was some weeks before trial, he was telling me that he was going to start studying then and he was goanna study for his parents and he was going to bring good results. And to that I had replied that that was not how you did it. I argued that one didn’t produce best results, or give in their best when they did it for someone else. You should always do it for yourself, that’s when you leave no stone unturned.  And I thought that’s how I lived my life as well.

I always thought I studied for me, for my future. I wasn’t (am not) much of a hardworking person, but I never bunked my classes, always did my homework on my own and never feared clearing my doubts. There was something driving me forward, to make that little effort that always kept me first in class. And I thought that all those efforts were for me.

But if it was so, where are those efforts now?

Thinking back and flipping the pages of my diary, I realized it wasn’t me driving me forward, and though I never accepted it, I had ulterior motives in putting that bit of effort in class. I wanted to make my parents proud of me, and studying was the only thing I knew how to do well. I just wanted to hear my mom once saying “I am proud of you”, see my dad’s head held high when he talked of me. For those moments I worked, unconsciously. For those moments too I failed, embarrassed myself and yet kept trying.

This realization only came while cleaning up my room, because I have been trying for years to learn how to do household chores or find the slightest bit of interest in it, and never made any progress. But today, since I am learning for someone else, the progress is really good, and I even developed interest in it. But just the opposite has taken place for academics, because now my brain (or my heart or whatever the expression is) has come to know that yes, my parents are proud of me. Mission accomplished (efforts diminished).
So I guess you really do produce the best results when you are doing it for someone else (more like thinking of someone when you are doing it).

I don’t know if I made the slightest bit of sense in all these 711 words.