Photograph

Looking through this huge number of photos I had my mum take of me today, after giving her 100's of instructions. All that effort and I still don't look so good!

This kind of got me thinking...

The problem is not with the photograph as much as it is with how I view myself. I am not satisfied with who I am, physically, emotionally and intellectually. And I think that emotion becomes most manifest when I see myself in a photograph, and so I feel like I never take a single good photo.

Do I hate myself? No. I love me, I take care of myself and I will not let anyone walk all over me.

But do I like me? No, definitely not. And so why would anyone else like me?!

In all my social interactions my first and foremost thought is "they don't like me" and I always feel rejected or stay in a fear of anticipated rejection. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to be on your guard at all times.

The older I have gotten, the more significant the fear has become, probably due to the experience of being rejected, pretty often. Although it might be more of a self-fulfilling prophecy but you can't deny what has taken place. These days I am glad to have the "work" excuse.

I wish the fear was limited to being in a social gathering or mere casual interaction. I have grown used to the solitude. But it affects my work, my day-to-day life, my relationships, and in the end it only emphasizes on why my fear is true.

I can't even begin to describe how intricately the fear is woven into my personality and my life. The limitations I face due to it is often seen as arrogance, and there is no way I can rectify the misinformed notion: Not asking for help, not approaching a colleague or friend, not performing certain tasks or poorly performing because it was done last minute, not speaking up in some situations, not volunteering to help out with gatherings, not helping out in the kitchen during family gatherings and so on. I can't bring myself to do these stuff for fear of judgement and rejection, but because I don't, I get judged and rejected. But even during the times where I have faced my fear and performed these task, I have been judged and ridiculed for my lack of competency. That didn't do anything good to get rid of the existing fear in my head. Infact it only boosted that which was already gigantic.

In my relationships too, be it with my parents , my sibling, partner or friends, I can never completely get rid of this fear. It is always there, ngawing at me at the back of my head. Perhaps, that makes me lose my temper more often with, especially, my parents. Everytime I lose my temper, I feel guilty, and it further increases the fear. So it's a vicious cycle. The fear was so bad that at some point when I was younger, I really thought my brother and my parents would replace me with someone better. That's bordering paranoia.

 I also never had intense relationship with friends. I mean I never had a lot of friends to begin with, and I still don't and with the few I have, it's more of "I got your back jack" kind of thing.

But I have been extremely lucky with my life partner. He knows my fear and accepts me with it, which eases it a great deal.

So much from a photograph!

To conclude everyone probably wants to know what I did about it. What else is the point of writing this if not to discuss that and give others tips (if there's anyone else on the same boat- I sincerely hope not).

But what can I do about it?

For now, I don't know. I hope I will find a way. For now, I am still struggling. 

I just wanted to put this out somewhere, somewhere outside my head.