Breakdown

By -
I am struggling to keep my thoughts together, keep it sane
Struggling to keep my calm and have some grace
Struggling to hold back my tears that are flooding the gates
Why? I do not know; answers I have none
 
All around me I only see the mistakes I have done
I feel the glare of disapproval
I hear my own thoughts echo the humiliation
Why? I do not know; answers I have none
 
I am struggling to keep up pace, step to step
Struggling to hold my place, be strong and firm
Struggling with thoughts that say, “not good enough”
Sigh…deep breath* Please help me god!
 
“Focus on the positive” I can’t do
All I see is failure, I see no good
Don’t want to think myself as weak, yet here I am
Sigh…deep breath* Can’t this battle be won?
 
I look at me and what do I see?!
What do I have not that one would need?!
What is this overwhelming anxiety?!
I do not know. Answers I have none
 
But a hundred thousand questions
That judges me and my capabilities
Questions my existence and necessity
Sigh…deep breath* Is there light ahead?
Or is it the end!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Disappearing Future

By -
 As a child, we were often asked about our ambitions, what we wanted to be in “the future”. I wanted to be a doctor. I remember saying that when I was, perhaps 7 years old. I remember I wanted to be a paediatrician by age 9, perhaps after my first encounter with one. By age 12, I wanted to be a scientist, a neuro-scientist. Also, I wanted to create a biological weapon, that would harm only humans, and wipe out the entire population, because I thought humans were the worst. My friends used to find that absurd, to say the least.  I believed I could achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. Age 17, I started my journey to become a doctor. Not so sure of myself anymore, I barely made the scholarship. The past 4 years, from ages 13-16, had put a lot of doubts into my mind. I was no more omnipotent. A normal trajectory of life. The 6 years of undergrad had me questioning so many things. The idea of creating a biological weapon left far behind. I could barely cope up with my studies, even les
Read more

Failures: are they really pillars of success?

By -
Buddha had said, "You are what you THINK" And my thoughts are "Once a loser, always a loser!" So, the last 5 years, I have been on a failure streak. One exam after another. I strut around like nothing happened. I try my best to ooze the confidence that I do not feel. That has been my life's motto anyway: "Fake it, till you make it". (Damn its been one hell of a long time of faking it). But I am not okay with it. The emotional toll each failure has taken on me, I have recently begun to realize how much my thinking has changed over these last few years. Especially these last few weeks: every time someone says something nice, I am like, "man, they must pity me", "they are trying to be nice to cheer me up"; every time I meet someone, "This person must think I am so useless"; every time I go talk to my bosses or even when I am talking to my patients, I am constantly thinking "may be its best if I quit. I am so inc
Read more

Photograph

By -
Looking through this huge number of photos I had my mum take of me today, after giving her 100's of instructions. All that effort and I still don't look so good! This kind of got me thinking... The problem is not with the photograph as much as it is with how I view myself. I am not satisfied with who I am, physically, emotionally and intellectually. And I think that emotion becomes most manifest when I see myself in a photograph, and so I feel like I never take a single good photo. Do I hate myself? No. I love me, I take care of myself and I will not let anyone walk all over me. But do I like me? No, definitely not. And so why would anyone else like me?! In all my social interactions my first and foremost thought is "they don't like me" and I always feel rejected or stay in a fear of anticipated rejection. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to be on your guard at all times. The older I have gotten, the more significant the fear has become, proba
Read more