Failures: are they really pillars of success?

Buddha had said, "You are what you THINK"

And my thoughts are "Once a loser, always a loser!"

So, the last 5 years, I have been on a failure streak. One exam after another.

I strut around like nothing happened. I try my best to ooze the confidence that I do not feel. That has been my life's motto anyway: "Fake it, till you make it". (Damn its been one hell of a long time of faking it).

But I am not okay with it. The emotional toll each failure has taken on me, I have recently begun to realize how much my thinking has changed over these last few years.

Especially these last few weeks: every time someone says something nice, I am like, "man, they must pity me", "they are trying to be nice to cheer me up"; every time I meet someone, "This person must think I am so useless"; every time I go talk to my bosses or even when I am talking to my patients, I am constantly thinking "may be its best if I quit. I am so incompetent, what's the point to this!" "I am not good enough and I will never be", "I am not smart enough and residency was a bad idea, whole MBBS was a bad idea, I should have known", "I will never be better", etc etc etc...

I often wake up with panic attacks. I often go to bed with panic attacks. Sometimes I get panic attacks in between seeing my patients. Some days I just walk around with a dreadful feeling in my chest (and also a smile on my face).

I do usually talk about my emotional struggles, but only after I have made peace with them. This time though, as I write this, I might not really be there. Lately, talking about my anxiety has started feeling like a broken record on repeat mode. I am tired of hearing it, I can only imagine how annoyed others might be. It sounds like an excuse, and very often I find myself thinking, may be it just is.

It's ironic. Did you know that nurses and doctors receive the least care when they seek medical help. I mean you have to have something, not only tangible but also dreadful for other health professionals to go, "Oh, let me take care of you." If not they will say, "let me not see you in the town later, sister" (this one doctor after he prescribed my mum one day leave, after she had gone to ER with a bad case of vertigo).

I have tried to seek help. There are multiple reasons why it has ended up in only trying. Firstly lack of professionals in the field. Secondly, I don't necessarily have a disorder, I am functioning, (perhaps barely, but I am not sure if this barely is because of my incompetence in general or my anxiety), so my motivation to get help waxes and wanes like my symptoms. Thirdly, the few times I tried, the response wasn't very encouraging. The experience wasn't very pleasant.

There weren't many, just a few incidents. I was suffering from a physical ailment, what was at least diagnosed as a physical ailment at the time, and which could easily be a psychological one and in all honesty, even I was wondering if it was just that. So when I went to talk about my leave, just as a student, and they started talking about my stresses, I was so happy, because I thought they were trying to help me but they just started to pick on my faults. I didn't even feel heard. I mean, I would have appreciated being heard before being judged. May god bless them and their thoughtfulness.

There was another time too. May be my choice of timing was wrong, may be my approach was wrong, but also may be, they could have told me to come another day when I felt calmer (just may be). Was I not only told to "fix my personality", the door was also closed on my face to go seek help again. In then 28 years of my life, I had never had such great advice.

And as all can see (or read), my personality has been completely fixed.

I am being blamed, and I don't know why, that is making it absolutely easy for me to correct my mistakes. Nobody is initiating the conversation, and neither am I.  Although I am an adult and self improvement is my responsibility, at this juncture, I can't see the point to it. Moreover, I don't think I can handle any more anxiety. I do realize this might be causing the vicious cycle, but man, who cares! Most days, I just feel like quitting and helping my dad with farming a bit. If it wasn't for all the money I had to pay back, I would probably resign and look for an alternate career.

I apparently went from, "the world is my oyster" to "the world is a cage without bars". I have no ambition. I have no interest, (Man! I have absolutely nothing). I wish I didn't have anxiety either.

I am not trying to be vengeful or vicious, I don't necessarily blame anyone or hate anyone. I have never been the kind of person to say, "Look what you made me do!". I take full ownership of my life, and the positives and negatives in it. And to end on a hopeful note, I started reading a self-help book "Atomic Habits", which has really emphasized on the power of habits and starting small, and on the importance of process rather than the goal, and it has motivated me to at least start on a journey. I don't have a specific goal. I don't even know if I will pass my next exam. I just want to stop thinking of myself as a failure.

That's it. The end.