My silly problem

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I have this bad habit of comparing myself to others and end up making myself rather unhappy. Now I don't compare with a person as a whole. Here's what I do: I take someone with the prettiest face and feel bad about my looks, I compare my size to someone slim and trim and feel like a heavy weight champion, I take the topper, the smartest in the lot and compare myself to him/her and feel like an idiot. (the root.)
Now, how many people actually have it all? They are a rarity, and i am vain enough to want it all. 
I should actually be glad about the things I have, I might not be pretty (forget prettiest) but i am not ugly, or at least I don't think I am and that should be good enough. I might not have a model's body, but am not obese, am not even over-weight and that's more than good enough. No, am not a genius, or a prodigy or blah blah.... But am still average.... And that's not good enough ( I have always cared about brains more than anything else) but still then, am here and I think that accounts for something and I should be happy. 
But there's a catch, being content with oneself is a good thing, it's a kind of happiness no one can take from you, but being satisfied with who you are doesn't leave room for improvements, and improvements are essential (Right?)

So here I am, I have the most wonderful life, surrounded by most wonderful people, I am living all my (practical) dreams...the truth is I have it perfect, and yet I am unhappy ( slightly and somewhere deep inside me I am always aching). 
Why? Because I am not satisfied with myself. No one to blame but me. I look in the mirror, I don't like the way I look, I don't like my hair that's bushy and all wavy ( and I still don't like it when I straighten it too because I know that its not me), I am too short, too fat and nothing I wear makes me admire myself. I don't like my chubby fingers, I wish I had my mom's hands, I don't like my flat feet, I wish I had inherited my dad's.
That's about just the looks, I don't like who I am either, I talk too much, I talk too loud and I am awkward in a crowd. I cry too easily, I laugh too hard, and I am very rude. I am lazy and ill determined, and am way too bold about opinions that one should keep silent about. 
It's as if I have cut all the wrong deals when it comes to personality traits. I am a female with feminine traits in the things a female is better without. I am not sweet, caring, loving, tender, warm sort of a person, the sort of things that usually defines a lady. Well but am very narrow-minded, nagging, irritating, jealous, stupid kind of person ( these are also some of the things that are attributed to women right? But may be not to the idolized lot, not to ladies). I am aggressive, proud, miser, shallow and vain. To top it off I have a wicked heart. (the tree.)

So that's it, that's the story of dissatisfied me. I love myself, but I do not like me very much, and so I feel why would anyone else do too. No amount of praise and compliments have been able to change my feelings towards myself, because I believe they all come from courtesy rather than genuine sentiments. (the fruit.)

How much of it actually matters? Very little of it. I make myself unhappy on no justifiable grounds. It's a burden that I wanna get rid off. When I die, I wanna be able to say to myself that I have lived my life to the fullest. I may not be able achieve things great enough to make history, do crazy stuff that people seem to feel absolutely necessary to do to have no regrets in life, I just want to know that I have been happy... Truly ... From deep within.

So the next time I call myself ugly or fat or an idiot, please don't think am fetching for compliments, am only expressing how I really feel about myself. If you have had enough, please turn a deaf ear. Am trying to change, either I will learn to like myself the way I am, or I will become the person I can like, but until the change is here, please bear with me my friends. This is one of the biggest endeavors of my life.
Don't judge me, we each have our own problems that appear silly to the world, but are very important to us. Being able to like myself is very important to me. 

The end.

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