Freedom
This is the first time I have started writing with the title first in mind. I know what I want to write about but I do not know what I am going to write.
Okay, freedom, the word has different meaning for different people, in different situations, in different generations. Am just goanna focus on my personal definition; I am not aware of this world, I am only aware of my own emotions.
While being in a relationship, I wanted to be single, especially the last few months. Not because I was unhappy.
If I say I wanted my freedom, one would probably understand that he was a possessive guy. But what I wanted was my time for myself, where my heart was free from shackles. ( I think am still explaining this poorly.)
I had this habit of waiting for him, for his status to change to online, for that beep of his message-that consumed a lot of time. And on the days I got frustrated realizing how much time I was wasting on it, and didn't bother going online myself, I would start feeling guilty for keeping him waiting because it was not his fault. And if by any chance I had missed him while he was online, I would get really upset, partly because I would be thinking I got him upset, and with that mood all I could do was sleep. More time wasted.
When I complained about all of this to him, he suggested that we fix a time, when I would be free and chat then. But the problem was, when a time was fixed, I would start getting restless from 2 hours earlier and get no work done. More time wasted.
And the mood, it's change would be unpredictable, usually we would have a fight, cry, talk longer than planned and be in no state to do anything afterwards.
I wanted to be single to be free from these emotional shackles, because there was no other solution than to free myself from the attachment. The fault was with no one but me.
For very different reasons, am single now.
But apparently not free. Because instead of realizing that I had got my long sought freedom, I was looking for new shackles to my heart ( probably to fill the void that had been created).
Some weeks (?months) and some stupid mistakes later, one fine night and one fine moment made me realize and think "What the f**k am I doing?" I was still waiting for those Facebook status to go active now, for green dot to glow, I had got what I had wanted and here I was trying to throw it away, just like that.
And on top of that, like the cherry on top of a vanilla cake of disaster, I was also trying to be someone I wasn't.
It takes harsh moments to make hard decisions.
The term I had been using was to "run away". where was I running?? Away from attachments, my weakness, to my freedom.
So, I logged out from all social networking sites (except few like this one and e-mail) and deleted the apps from my phone and other devices.(In this process I found out that viber can be deactivated, but I had to keep my Facebook account running because deactivating it gets a lot of uncalled-for attention). Once that was done, I felt an ease. Like this is just the right thing to do.
This perhaps is my first step to freedom, because my heart is still shackled ( with both new and old attachments) .
_freedom here I come_
Okay, freedom, the word has different meaning for different people, in different situations, in different generations. Am just goanna focus on my personal definition; I am not aware of this world, I am only aware of my own emotions.
While being in a relationship, I wanted to be single, especially the last few months. Not because I was unhappy.
If I say I wanted my freedom, one would probably understand that he was a possessive guy. But what I wanted was my time for myself, where my heart was free from shackles. ( I think am still explaining this poorly.)
I had this habit of waiting for him, for his status to change to online, for that beep of his message-that consumed a lot of time. And on the days I got frustrated realizing how much time I was wasting on it, and didn't bother going online myself, I would start feeling guilty for keeping him waiting because it was not his fault. And if by any chance I had missed him while he was online, I would get really upset, partly because I would be thinking I got him upset, and with that mood all I could do was sleep. More time wasted.
When I complained about all of this to him, he suggested that we fix a time, when I would be free and chat then. But the problem was, when a time was fixed, I would start getting restless from 2 hours earlier and get no work done. More time wasted.
And the mood, it's change would be unpredictable, usually we would have a fight, cry, talk longer than planned and be in no state to do anything afterwards.
I wanted to be single to be free from these emotional shackles, because there was no other solution than to free myself from the attachment. The fault was with no one but me.
For very different reasons, am single now.
But apparently not free. Because instead of realizing that I had got my long sought freedom, I was looking for new shackles to my heart ( probably to fill the void that had been created).
Some weeks (?months) and some stupid mistakes later, one fine night and one fine moment made me realize and think "What the f**k am I doing?" I was still waiting for those Facebook status to go active now, for green dot to glow, I had got what I had wanted and here I was trying to throw it away, just like that.
And on top of that, like the cherry on top of a vanilla cake of disaster, I was also trying to be someone I wasn't.
It takes harsh moments to make hard decisions.
The term I had been using was to "run away". where was I running?? Away from attachments, my weakness, to my freedom.
So, I logged out from all social networking sites (except few like this one and e-mail) and deleted the apps from my phone and other devices.(In this process I found out that viber can be deactivated, but I had to keep my Facebook account running because deactivating it gets a lot of uncalled-for attention). Once that was done, I felt an ease. Like this is just the right thing to do.
This perhaps is my first step to freedom, because my heart is still shackled ( with both new and old attachments) .
_freedom here I come_
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